Bittersweet days

I blame my self not so good as her.

I've been compared. I feel frustrated. I feel hate.

I don't know if he realize I tried my best. 

Because I don't remember if he ever appreciate anything I've done. 

If he said he does appreciate, why can't I remember?

maybe the words disappear because time has passed or I don't feel his sincerity.     

I've been doing my thinking. deep.

I've been looking for all good words if he ever said to me. For his good words should motivate me tomorrow. Frustrated again. Nothing I remember.

I remember... Soo Awful! Can you not give me more problem? nothing is right! Dia ni tak pandai cakap. Whatever it is I don't care, get it done. you don't know this. Let her do it. Dia pandai. Dia bagus. Not me. 

Bruises. Heart fell apart.

All the doings doesn't get his attention. very high expectation. 

Wondering..

what she have, that I don't have. Special treatment. soft words. praises.

I'm lacking here, I'm lacking there, But everyday I wake up promise to make him happy. lessen his burden. Not to create problem. Again, fail mission. 

Today again. Fail mission. She is the pandai one. I'm the stupid one. That's what I felt what he trying to say. Action speak. 

I blame my self not so good as her.

I've been compared. I feel frustrated. I feel hate. 

All I wish... one day just one day...

we can talk nicely, having good conversation. no shouting. no hard feelings. all good words. no comparison. sharing ideas. And respect each other. 

I blame my self not so good as her.

I blame my self because you did not see me far better than her. 

I'm special you know... Good night  Grandboss!